


147 Days

by waitingforwonhui



Category: UP10TION, X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Thieves, Complicated Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21596848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waitingforwonhui/pseuds/waitingforwonhui
Summary: Wooseok was the kind of person who could hold a straight face with a whole storm on the inside. He could be walking on a treadmill of pain and despair right now, Jinhyuk wouldn't be able to tell and that scared him.He was just standing there with a face too beautiful to comprehend. Eyes piercing Jinhyuk's own. He couldn't take it. He wanted to turn around and run away.
Relationships: Kim Wooseok | Wooshin/Lee Jinhyuk
Comments: 10
Kudos: 103





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with a slightly angsty Weishin again.
> 
> What can I say? Classic me.

The moment the elevator doors opened, Jinhyuk saw him sitting on the floor right outside of his apartment door. Wooseok waiting for him to get home was not a rare sight. It was a sight he didn't really know if he liked, though.

Jinhyuk knew that he would have felt disappointed if he hadn't seen him there after getting out of the elevator. He knew because that's how he'd felt the past eleven days. That's how long it had been since he found Wooseok there the last time. Seeing him there now, however, didn't make him feel better either. He felt relieved. Curious even, but not without a certain degree of displeasure.

Wooseok's head shot up immediately when he saw the taller male approaching. He smiled. Eyes sparkling. Definitely more of a rare sight. Jinhyuk hated how much it tugged at his heart, how much seeing him squeezed in his gut region.

"How long have you been sitting here?" Jinhyuk asked as soon as he reached the door and Wooseok got up from the floor to stand right in front of him.

"I missed you, too," the smaller male said simply with a playful smirk. Eyes looking up at Jinhyuk. Piercing. "Maybe a couple of hours."

Jinhyuk snorted. " _Hours_."

He opened the door and gestured for Wooseok to go inside before he also entered and closed the door behind himself.

"I didn't come empty-handed," Wooseok dropped backwards on the couch in the small living room of Jinhyuk's apartment. A place he knew well. A place he already carved out for himself. Wooseok had slept on that same couch many times and Jinhyuk never understood why he'd rather be there - on a restored second-hand couch - than in his own luxury apartment.

"The fridge is empty," Jinhyuk informed him. He took off his shoes at the entrance and hung his jacket on the rack right next to the door. After putting his bag on the armchair across the couch, he walked over to where Wooseok was sprawled out and started taking his shoes off for him. "Should we order food? Vietnamese?"

"Don't you even want to know what I got you?" Wooseok inquired with a raised eyebrow while lifting his legs just slightly so Jinhyuk could sit underneath them, then he put them down again on the other's lap.

Jinhyuk looked at him for a brief moment. It was almost concerning how innocent Wooseok looked lying on his back like this. A childlike expression on his face that could have fooled anyone. A face that certainly fooled Jinhyuk, even though he really should've known better.

"You didn't _get_ me anything," he sighed adjusting Wooseok's legs on top of his own. "You _took_ it."

"You're splitting hairs," Wooseok smiled at him. "The important thing is that it's _yours_ now."

He reached into the pockets of his jacket and pulled out a fist-sized, square box. "I even wrapped it."

Jinhyuk smiled despite knowing that he wouldn't use whatever it is in the box. He'd just put it in the drawer in his bedroom together with all the other "gifts" he got from Wooseok. He didn't care what it was anyway. He didn't even care that Wooseok thought of bringing something for him at all. The gesture of wrapping it, however, is what brought a smile to his face. The fact that he tried to make it special. That Wooseok probably had gone into a shop to buy a box and wrapping paper to put whatever is inside in there and decorate it for Jinhyuk. Something as small as that from someone who's done so much wrong shouldn't warm his heart as much as it did.

He unwrapped the little box with Wooseok's gaze fixated on him. It was alarming how nervous it still made him to have the other's eyes focused on him. He should be used to it by now but it still caught him by surprise. It still stirred something inside of him to look directly at Wooseok. He was breathtakingly beautiful. Always. Anytime. A perfect face to hide a withering soul inside.

"A Rolex," Jinhyuk stated dryly. He was used to receiving expensive things from Wooseok. He didn't really know why the other felt the need to give him anything anyway. "Thanks."

"Do you like it?" The smaller male stared at him with big doe eyes.

 _No, he didn't like it_ and Wooseok knew exactly why but he didn't want to start the same conversation again. He didn't want to fight right now. "It's a Rolex, Wooseok."

"Yeah, it's pretty, isn't it?"

"So, you've been busy in the past two weeks?" Jinhyuk averted.

A cheeky grin spread across Wooseok's face. "I knew you missed me."

 _Of course, he missed him._ He always missed him. It didn't matter how long Wooseok was gone, Jinhyuk would always miss him. Even when they were sitting right next to each other, like now, he missed him. He missed him even in the rare instances where he'd let him sleep in his bed. When he'd wake up with Wooseok's arm around his waist. Wooseok's head on his shoulder. Wooseok's soft hair tickling his neck. Even then he missed him. Because Wooseok was never really there. Wooseok was a ghost. A shadow. He came and left as he pleased. Jinhyuk knew better than to get attached. Jinhyuk _should've_ known better than to get attached but he let him in. Just like he always let him in whenever he'd find Wooseok waiting outside of his apartment door.

He'd met Wooseok at a party in a club. Han Seungwoo's birthday party to be precise and that should have been all the warning needed for Jinhyuk to know that Wooseok was bad news.

He'd known Seungwoo from high school. The older had been notorious back then. There was always something off about him. Seungwoo had been selling all kinds of stuff to the other kids at school and for whatever reason, he'd really found a liking in Jinhyuk and took him under his wing.

Jinhyuk had never done anything wrong or illegal with Seungwoo, they just hung out in school. He never even knew what his "friend" had been up to in his free time but he could guess. Seungwoo always had the newest gadgets, the branded clothes, the expensive accessories and the money definitely did not come from his family. Back then Jinhyuk was way too occupied with his school life to even care to ask, he'd also always been afraid of what he would find out. He knew that the less he knew the better for him. He certainly wouldn't have expected to stay friends with Seungwoo past their high school years but in the winter of his second year of university, he'd received the invite to the older's birthday party. It's only because he hadn't been able to go home for Christmas due to his side job as a barista that he had agreed to go in the first place.

He hadn't felt a need to reconnect with Seungwoo - not at all - but he'd felt lonely and thought an evening clubbing wouldn't hurt him. That was until he met Wooseok.

Wooseok had been one of the other handful of people who actually came to celebrate with Seungwoo. Jinhyuk should've known better than to get close to him but then again, he himself had been just a normal guy who sadly didn't have anything else to do that night than to hang out with a long lost high school friend. There was a possibility that Wooseok was alright as well. There was something about him; that innocent-looking face, the way he talked eloquently and elegantly, the way he shyly hid his smiles behind a hand, his seemingly genuine interest in Jinhyuk and what he had to say.

They'd talked and danced all night there. It had gotten only the slightest bit physical. Jinhyuk still remembered Wooseok grinding against him on the dance floor, kissing his cheek, biting his earlobe and asking to be taken home by Jinhyuk.

Jinhyuk had given him his number instead, trying to prevent them from becoming a one-night-stand and then nothing else. He'd really thought that there was more between them than the alcohol and the situational high.

When they'd parted outside in front of the club about to get on separate taxis, Wooseok presented him with his acquirements of the evening. Jinhyuk hadn't even noticed it but apparently all the while they were hanging out that night, Wooseok had stolen about 17 wallets from people at the club while they were dancing together and Jinyhuk had nothing but him on his mind. He hadn't stolen anything of Jinhyuk's, though, even though he would've been an easy target.

Jinhyuk should've known then and there that nothing good could come out of engaging with Wooseok but he'd still picked up the phone when the other called him only a couple of days afterwards. He'd still answered whenever Wooseok texted him. He'd still agreed to meet him at the cafe where Jinhyuk worked whenever he wasn't in uni and that's how it had started.

It had been almost a whole year since the night at the club and Wooseok still came to hang out at Jinhyuk's apartment. Sometimes he would come every day for several weeks and sometimes longer periods would pass in between and he'd just come back with expensive gifts for Jinhyuk indicating that he'd been robbing something bigger than a pedestrian or an unsuspecting partygoer at a club.

Nothing had ever happened between them. At least nothing physical but after that first night at the club Jinhyuk had stupidly allowed his own feelings to grow into way more than infatuation, way more than endearment.

As corrupt as he was, Wooseok had many different sides to him. Good sides too. He was smart and funny and always more than nice to Jinhyuk. He wasn't big on words but his gestures showed Jinhyuk that he was important to him, in what way he didn't know. But the way Wooseok waited in front of his apartment whenever he wanted to see him; the way he clung onto him in the rare times when Jinhyuk would let him sleep in his bed; the way he wrapped that Rolex to make it more special; the way he looked at him sometimes with a softness that indicated that JInhyuk was precious to him, that he was important to him in a way that the older didn't even understand but he surely hoped was similar to what he felt for Wooseok in return.

He'd let himself be pulled into the other's tricks a couple of times as well. Jinhyuk was not proud of that. He hated everything about it. Yet, he found himself purposely distracting people while Wooseok stole from them. The younger male told him he was tall and charming and that it would be a walk in the park to make people focus their whole attention on Jinhyuk while Wooseok did the dirty work and he was right. It was scary how easy it was to strip people of their most valuable possessions but he never felt good about it. He couldn't be as nonchalant about it as Wooseok. He couldn't sleep for days sometimes after having engaged in something like that and yet he did it again and again. There were periods where he'd go with every whim of Wooseok's.

"If you have any objections regarding Vietnamese, you have two minutes to voice them, otherwise I'm ordering our usual," Jinhyuk said while pulling his phone out of his pocket to dial the familiar number.

Wooseok didn't say a word but instead closed his mouth, pretended to zip it shut and lock it up throwing the imaginary key to the side. Jinhyuk snorted and Wooseok smiled at him. He couldn't help but smile back.

* * *

The next day Wooseok knocked on his door again. When Jinhyuk opened it for him, he came in quickly, panting and looking like he ran there. He seemed to be on a high with a wide grin plastered across his face.

"What happened?" Jinhyuk asked slightly concerned because he had never seen him like this. At least not at his place. Wooseok had the look on his face that usually appeared when he just stole something. The look that made him feel like he was on top of the world. Like he was untouchable. Like he could get away with anything.

He pulled out an iPhone from the pocket of his jacket. A phone that Jinhyuk knew was not his own. "I just took this from this guy a couple of streets away," Wooseok explained with a mischevious chuckle.

"I just grabbed it out of his hands and ran," he was full-on laughing now almost hysterically. "He chased me for at least 20 minutes while I ran here. I lost him just two streets away from your apartment. _Fuck._ "

The anger inside of Jinhyuk built up immediately. "Are you fucking mental?"

"What?" Wooseok laughed and threw the iPhone on the couch right in front of him. "It was just a little fun."

"A little fun?" Jinhyuk raised his voice without even realising it. "You stole something and ran straight to my place? Do you realise how irresponsible that is? You could've led them to my home, Wooseok. I could've been associated with... _this._ "

"And you don't want to be associated with me," Wooseok stated in a cold tone. His demeanour instantly changed from the high he had been on just seconds ago to a stern, unreadable visage.

"Not like this," the older male explained. "I don't _need_ this. I'm not like you, Wooseok. I don't want to be part of this. I don't want anything to do with your shit."

Wooseok smirked on one side before he scoffed. "How dare you?"

"What?"

"Do I have to remind you of all the times you helped me steal from innocent people on the street? Or does that make you innocent because it was not you who did the dirty work, hm?" Wooseok's expression didn't falter for a minute, his voice didn't change in tone or volume as he continued. "Besides, you knew what I was about from day one. You always knew what I did and you never seemed to have a problem with that. You never seemed to bother being associated with me before."

Something inside of Jinhyuk caved. Wooseok was right as much as he didn't want to admit it. He always knew what the younger male was about. He always knew how Wooseok made his money. He always could imagine what he was up to when he didn't see him for a while and yet he let him in. Jinhyuk let him into his life. Despite everything, he fell in love with him.

But even now, after a year of knowing him, he didn't know what Wooseok wanted from him. He never knew what Wooseok really wanted. The fact that he would risk Jinhyuk's safety so recklessly as to lead someone he stole from to his apartment didn't bother him as much in that sense. The fact that Wooseok seemingly cared for him so little that he would do that was the part that hurt. Jinhyuk never knew what Wooseok wanted but it was clear that he didn't want him.

Wooseok was the kind of person who could hold a straight face with a whole storm on the inside. He could be walking on a treadmill of pain and despair right now, Jinhyuk wouldn't be able to tell and that scared him.

He was just standing there with a face too beautiful to comprehend. Eyes piercing Jinhyuk's own. He couldn't take it. He wanted to turn around and run away.

"If you don't like what I do, you can just go then," Wooseok said with his usual calm and composed tone. Not a sign of regret in it. "I never lied to you. I never hid anything."

"It's my apartment," Jinhyuk retorted with a voice so fragile it could break just with a breeze.

"Right," the younger male nodded still expressionless. "I'll go then."

Without another word he grabbed the iPhone from Jinhyuk's couch and left. Jinhyuk stood there for a while with no intention to move. He didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't know how he got into this mess. How did it get to the point where he would miss a problem walking out of his life? How did it get to the point where being without someone like Wooseok hurt more than having him around?

* * *

When Wooseok didn't appear for a whole week after their fight, Jinhyuk started to wonder if he'd ever see him again. He didn't know how to feel about that because deep down he knew Wooseok would come back. He always did. They had fought before, very similar fights. They'd had even worse fights than this one and Wooseok always came back again.

This time, Jinhyuk didn't know if he wanted him to come back or not. In a way, he felt relieved at the thought of never seeing Wooseok again. At the same time, he also felt something different. A tug at his heart, a pain he'd never experienced before.

But Wooseok came back, eventually. He knocked on his door and before even opening it, Jinhyuk knew that it was him. He took three deep breaths before turning his key and letting him in.

Wooseok looked different, almost defeated. His eyes weren't sparkling as they usually did and for a minute there Jinhyuk thought something bigger had happened. Did he attempt a bigger robbery and got caught? Was he here to say his final goodbye?

The worry crumbled when Wooseok greeted him weakly and asked for forgiveness. "I went too far," he said. "I didn't like to be attacked at that moment but you were right. I put you in danger for nothing. Just for a little of fun and I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"It's okay," Jinhyuk heard himself say.

Wooseok sighed with a smile. "It's not _okay_ , Jinhyuk. It was really not okay."

Jinhyuk felt that something was different about him. Wooseok had often messed up. He had done stupid things that Jinhyuk disagreed with or pulled things while Jinhyuk was there and they had fought about it. After every single fight, Wooseok just came back as if nothing had ever happened and Jinhyuk let it slide because he always did. Because when it came to Wooseok, he didn't really know how to process things reasonably.

Wooseok standing in front of him, looking small and apologetic, asking him for forgiveness - that was different. The old familiar voice in Jinhyuk's heart insisted that it meant something. That something had changed.

He sat down on his couch gesturing to Wooseok to come to sit with him. Instead of taking the place Jinhyuk patted next to him, Wooseok sat down on his lap and threw his arms around his neck like a lost kitten that had just returned home. Jinhyuk's heart warmed instantly.

It was not the first time for them to cuddle up to each other. It was not the first time Wooseok would sit in his lap. They spent many an evening like this just watching a film and eating takeout. But it was the first time that they weren't doing anything else. It was the first time that Wooseok shifted to look up at him with a soft gaze. That his beautiful eyes searched Jinhyuk's face for something the older didn't know.

It was the first time that Wooseok's hands left his neck to stroke his face, eyes fixated on his lips. His thumb brushed over Jinhyuk's lower lip before he leaned in and kissed him. It was soft, just as soft as he knew kissing Wooseok would feel.

He parted immediately looking up at Jinhyuk to see if it was okay, if he would want to protest. He didn't. So, he leaned in again and they kissed. Wooseok's lips brushed against his own with a passion Jinhyuk had never seen in him. It was everything he ever wanted. It was all too overwhelming to have the smaller on top of him like this.

Wooseok was so soft. Not just his lips but everything about him. His skin, his hair, the little moans that escaped his mouth as Jinhyuk's hand roamed all over his body. Jinhyuk could get drunk on him.

They made out on the couch for a good ten minutes until Wooseok started to tug on his shirt.

"Do you want to take this to the bedroom?" Jinhyuk asked completely dishevelled and out of breath.

Wooseok simply nodded without breaking eye contact. He kissed him again before he got up on his feet and stretched out a hand for Jinhyuk to take. He led him to his own bedroom and stopped at the foot of Jinhyuk's bed. Wooseok stood on his tiptoes in order to place a couple of pecks on Jinhyuk's chin then he let go of his hand and went to the nightstand to turn on the small lamp.

When he returned to where Jinhyuk was standing, he took off his shirt very slowly, never breaking their eye contact. Jinhyuk followed suit and they undressed in front of each other until they were both naked. Wooseok then sat down on the bed, shuffling back on it a little until he was lying in the middle of it, his eyes hungry for Jinhyuk to follow him, to take him. And Jinhyuk did.

It all happened in a blur. All of his senses were on overdrive, the pleasure rising at an alarming pace. The air in the room felt hot and steamy, filled with obscene sounds, moans and broken whispers. He didn't know how much time had passed until it quieted down, an unspeakable pressure released. Two bodies broke apart, lied next to each other in futile attempts to calm their breaths ahead of time.

It was everything. What just happened between the two of them was everything Jinhyuk ever wanted. He couldn't fake this kind of desire, the lust, the painfully overwhelming passion he felt in every fibre of his being with every touch of Wooseok's hands and lips on his body.

With a wide but tender smile on his face, he reached out to touch the other's skin again, to wipe the sweaty hairs out of his beautiful eyes, to have him look at Jinhyuk with that fondness in his gaze again.

Before his hand got even close to its desired destination, however, Wooseok took it in his own, squeezed and put it down on his chest.

"This was a huge mistake," he said.

Something inside of Jinhyuk broke beyond repair at that. He sighed followed by a nervous chuckle. "I'll go take a bath," he simply stated before getting up and disappearing inside of the bathroom.

He let the water in while he looked at himself in the mirror. Then he added some bath salts his sister gifted him for his birthday and almost burned his skin as he sat down in the water. He leaned back and didn't move as he felt the tears stream down his face when he heard the front door open and close shut again.

He sat there until the water got too cold and he started to shiver.


	2. ii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it's done! thanks for reading this :)
> 
> this will be my last fic for a while, so I'm grateful for anyone who reads and enjoys it!
> 
> <333

When he got out of the bathtub, Jinhyuk went back to the bedroom. It was past 4 am already but he felt the urge to change the bedsheets. There was no way he could go back to sleeping in a bed that smelled like Wooseok. He could not even imagine lying there alone after what happened between them but he had to try. It was his bedroom after all.

As expected, he could not fall asleep even after changing the bedsheets and airing the room. Instead, he lied there and tried to sort out his thoughts. How would they proceed after this? Was this how it all ended? Was this how this madness that had been having Wooseok around finally came to a close?

Then suddenly, the fear of Wooseok showing up at his doorstep again struck him. What would he do? There was no way he could move on past this emotionally. He didn't want to. If Wooseok thought that being with him was a huge mistake, Jinhyuk wouldn't want to keep him around as an acquaintance because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't look at Wooseok as just a friend. He didn't think there was any point in time where the two of them were actual _friends_.

But what was he supposed to do? He knew himself well enough in relation to Wooseok at this point. Would Jinhyuk just cave in again and let him back in as usual? Would this one end like every other resolution of letting Wooseok go he had in the past months? He couldn't even imagine it. He didn't even want to imagine ever talking to the other again. It was too painful. It was too hard to even picture looking at him again.

Before he knew what he was doing, he got up and packed a small bag. He took a couple of changes of clothes, as well as his toiletries, his valuables and whatever else he needed to survive outside of his own apartment for a couple of days. Then he threw out the garbage, as well as the compost, turned off all the lights and left.

About half an hour later, he knocked on his best friend's door and informed Gyujin that he needed a place to stay for a couple of days. No questions asked. The other looked confused and worried but he didn't ask any questions. Gyujin moved out of the doorway to let him in and pointed at his less-than-comfortable looking couch. "You can stay here."

* * *

The next couple of days, Wooseok texted him a lot. He even called a few times but Jinhyuk couldn't make himself answer the phone. He didn't even want to open his messages. He just decided to leave him on 'read' until he had the mental and emotional capacity to deal with Wooseok.

Jinhyuk hated how much he wanted to answer him, though. How much he wanted to give in to the urge of being in any way in contact with Wooseok. Despite everything he missed him. Even after just three days of not seeing him. Even after having Wooseok break his heart into a thousand pieces, he still missed him. Whenever his phone would buzz with another message from the other, he'd feel the tingly sensation for a short moment. Just a second before the pain would kick in. As much as he missed him, he hurt because of him too. It's like the heartache and his longing for Wooseok were tirelessly fighting who could hurt him more and Jinhyuk was so tired.

He didn't go to university that week. He even called in sick at work. He just lounged around on Gyujin's couch having his best friend look at him with a worried and sometimes even pitiful expression on his face. He couldn't tell him that it was all just about a boy. He couldn't even tell him about the boy because that boy came with so much baggage that Jinhyuk knew he shouldn't talk about. After three days of reading Wooseok's messages - that ironically contained nothing but small-talk and asking Jinhyuk about his whereabouts - and not answering his calls, he blocked his number.

By Friday afternoon when Gyujin came back from work, Jinhyuk had been living on his couch for almost a whole week and he didn't seem to make any progress.

"Alright," his best friend started as soon as he took off his shoes and put his briefcase on a small stool near the couch. "If you don't want to tell me what happened to you, fine. But, I'm your best friend and I won't watch you vegetate on my couch any longer. If you want to stay here, you're going out with me tonight."

"What?" Jinhyuk frowned. "Why? I don't want to go out."

"Look at yourself," Gyujin said while pointing a hand at Jinhyuk. Admittedly, he was not sporting his best look. He had food stains on his pyjama shirt and he didn't really remember if Monday or Tuesday was the last time he took a shower but he didn't think that called for a night out. "You look like you've been living on the streets for weeks. As far as I know, you might even actually be homeless since you won't tell me anything. The least you can do is wash up, put on some nice clothes and come have a couple of drinks with the guy who has been working and feeding you all week while you just sulked around on his couch."

"I'm not homeless," Jinhyuk simply answered.

"So, do you want to talk about..." Gyujin gestured towards him as if he was presenting him to an audience. "... _this?_ "

"No," the taller male said looking down on his feet. "I'd rather not."

"Then you're going out with me tonight," his best friend concluded. "If you don't let me help you through talking, I'll help you by getting you out of the house for one evening so that you see that the world out there is still spinning and there are still some nice things. Come on, you have an hour to give me the most dashing version of yourself or I'll throw you out this instant."

Jinhyuk didn't want to argue with him. Not because he believed for even a second that Gyujin would actually throw him out but because he thought that the least he could do after he invaded his best friend's space for a whole week was to give him the one thing he asked for and go out and have a drink with him. What's the worst that could happen?

After a couple of drinks in a small bar near Gyujin's apartment, Jinhyuk found himself being dragged to a club by his friend. It was not planned originally, but either because of the alcohol or because he actually had fun hanging out with Gyujin outside of his living room, Jinhyuk agreed to go.

Once they made it into the club, he started to realise how much alcohol he already had in his system. He could feel the music buzzing in his head and he quickly lost himself - and Gyujin - in the flock of loosely dressed bodies and flickering lights. Jinhyuk always liked to dance, so he didn't mind being alone on the dance floor without Gyujin in sight but he didn't stay like that for long. He suddenly felt a body pressed against his own from behind and by instinct, he moved away from the handsome stranger at first but he stayed close, enjoying the other's attention.

Jinhyuk wasn't really looking for anything. He wasn't even close to being ready to even flirt with strangers at this point. Nevertheless, he let it happen. He wanted to blame it on the alcohol, rather than a Wooseok-shaped void in his heart but whatever it was that got him there, he found himself being pressed against the wall of a bathroom stall by this stranger whose name he didn't even know.

The guy was handsome, no doubt about it. Dark hair, big eyes, strong arms pinning him against the wall while their mouths connected with urgency. It felt like they were in a rush, like they had to quickly do it right then and there or not at all. Random hook-ups always felt like that for Jinhyuk. As if they were scared that the other person would suddenly change their mind. He didn't like them. He didn't have one in a very long time but be it because he was lonely or rejected or drunk, Jinhyuk agreed to this and there he was now.

The stranger's lips left his own and started kissing their way down his chin, his jaw, his neck. It didn't feel bad, not at all. Suddenly, images of Wooseok doing the same thing to him started flashing before his mind's eye. As if Wooseok was kissing his neck right now. Wooseok nibbling on his collar bone. Wooseok's hands fidgeting around his belt. Wooseok pulling his pants down and taking him in his hand. Jinhyuk gasped then audibly sucked in some air. He looked down and something dropped in his abdominal region at the sight of the stranger's eyes. He didn't know what he expected but that was not the pair of eyes he wanted to see. He could feel something bubbling up in his stomach. Jinhyuk had just enough sense and time to push the boy off and away from him before he leaned over the toilet seat and threw up. He wanted to blame it on the alcohol but he knew better.

The stranger was still on his knees looking at him in shock when Jinhyuk got up again, zipped up his pants and ran off after mumbling a couple of half-hearted apologies. He didn't look for Gyujin anymore, he just had to get out of the club. He would write him a text to let him know that he went home. That he was sorry. That he was fine. Even if that was a lie.

The apartment was in a walking distance to the club, so he didn't even bother to try and find a taxi. While walking to Gyujin's place, Jinhyuk started crying. He felt disgusted at himself for throwing up, for hooking up with the stranger in the first place, for imagining Wooseok while being with someone else. He was angry at himself for the way he still felt about Wooseok after everything. After all of the times, the other let him down and took advantage of him and eventually rejected him, he still loved him. Clearly.

He loved Wooseok despite everything. Despite him causing nothing but pain and discomfort to Jinhyuk's life, he loved him. He couldn't even believe himself at this point. Did he just like to suffer? He tried to remember all the reasons he fell in love with Wooseok in the first place but he couldn't come up with anything. There were just a lot of moments. Small, short-lived, soft, tender moments that Jinhyuk probably read way too much into at the time. Yet, he still loved him. He wanted to talk to him but he was not drunk enough for that anymore. Instead, he just went to Gyujin's apartment and buried his face into the pillow on the couch hoping he would feel differently when he woke up. Hoping he would feel relieved like a burden had been lifted off of him. Hoping he would feel something easier, anything but this.

"Look, I'm sorry," Gyujin said the next morning while handing him a cup of coffee. "I shouldn't have dragged you to the club. It clearly made things worse and-"

"No," Jinhyuk interrupted him. "Please, don't apologise. You were just trying to be a good friend and I really appreciate it. I had fun, really. Before... you know... I had fun, it just ended on a weird note."

"Jinhyuk," his friend looked incredibly worried at this point. "Will you please tell me what's going on? I really don't know what to do with you anymore. I'm almost considering calling your parents... I'm just really worried about you."

Jinhyuk sighed. He knew he couldn't keep things from Gyujin anymore. Not after what he had pulled last night. Not after just leaving him at the club and forgetting to tell him that he went home. Gyujin had apparently looked for him for a while last night only to get home and discover him sleeping on the couch, hugging a pillow still dressed and done up. It was not fair to his best friend to make him worry like that without telling him what was going on at all. So, he stared. He started at the point where he explained why he couldn't go home in case Wooseok would be waiting there but then he had to go all the way back to when he met Wooseok and why things were so complicated in the first place.

It all came pouring out of Jinhyuk and he couldn't believe he had managed to keep Wooseok's entire existence in his life to himself for such a long time. He had never talked to anyone about him. What they had was strictly kept between the two of them. Wooseok had never met any of Jinhyuk's friends - except for Seungwoo who was barely a friend, to begin with - and vice versa. Jinhyuk wasn't even sure if Wooseok had any friends apart from him. He realised that he didn't know much about him at all. He didn't even remember if Wooseok ever mentioned any family members.

As he told Gyujin everything, his friend's face changed from worry to compassion to sheer disbelief and shock in the end. He didn't think Jinhyuk would even know someone like Wooseok, let alone fall in love with them to the point that he has his entire spirit broken when he got rejected. They ended up both on the couch, Jinhyuk sobbing into the sleeve of his pyjama shirt and Gyujin holding him while tapping his back.

By the time Jinhyuk finished the whole story of Wooseok and him, Gyujin told him that he could stay as long as he wanted but he might want to consider putting a restraining order on Wooseok. Jinhyuk thought that would be going a bit too far, it was not like he was scared of Wooseok or that the other was in any way a danger to him. He just simply didn't want to see him anymore but he couldn't bring himself to actually tell him that.

Jinhyuk decided that he wanted to go back home by Monday morning. Back to work, back to uni, back to his apartment where he might run into Wooseok before he even entered it. Sunday evening, he asked Gyujin if he could come with him at least to his door, just in case Wooseok was waiting in front of his apartment. He thought if he were with his best friend, he would have an excuse as to why he couldn't talk to Wooseok right away. When they arrived at his apartment, however, there was nobody else there. No Wooseok on the floor next to the door. Jinhyuk hated that he felt disappointed at that.

He thanked Gyujin for everything he put up with that past week and let him return to his home alone without a giant, sobbing boy living on his couch. Jinhyuk knew he would have to get Gyujin a big gift of some kind or do something nice for him soon because he really saved him and lifted quite a bit of weight off of him by letting him stay at his apartment and talking to him about the whole situation.

He put down his bag to look for his keys before opening the door just to find out that the door wasn't locked, to begin with. Jinhyuk was instantly shocked. His first thought was that he had left his apartment unlocked for more than a week that he hadn't been there. His shock quickly settled into a different kind of anxiousness when he found Wooseok lying on his back on Jinhyuk's sofa. He was asleep but got up the second Jinhyuk turned on the lights.

They stared at each other for a good minute or two. None of them saying anything. Jinhyuk wasn't sure if Wooseok was still half-asleep but he himself was dealing with a rollercoaster of emotions on the inside, quite unable to decide what he was feeling in that moment. He didn't know what to say.

After the initial moment of confusion, a smile started to spread across Wooseok's face. "Hey."

"Hi," Jinhyuk said in a monotone voice. "How did you get in here?"

"I know where you keep your spare keys, remember?"

Jinhyuk's emotions were on overload but one of them prevailed stronger than the others and that was anger. He didn't know how he would react to seeing Wooseok again but the nonchalance in which the smaller male informed him that he just simply took his spare key, the smirk on his stupidly attractive face, the way he still lied there on the sofa as if he belonged there; it all just made Jinyhuk angry.

He threw his bag on the floor and let the door fall shut behind him before it all came out of him like wildfire. "So, let me get this straight; all this time while we were all good and friendly, you wait for me in front of my apartment... sometimes for hours but now that I clearly don't want to see you anymore, you suddenly decide it's okay to let yourself in without my permission?"

"I-" Wooseok started a little perplexed. He moved up on the sofa and was now in a sitting position. "Well, first... I thought something might have happened to you. You weren't answering my calls and messages and you never got home while I was waiting... so," he paused while scratching the back of his neck. "I thought I'd check up on you just to see if you're- you... don't want to see me anymore?"

Jinhyuk just looked at him in disbelief. He didn't know if he could believe a word that Wooseok was saying. After all, he'd read the messages Wooseok had sent him for the first couple of days until he blocked him. Shouldn't that have been enough of a sign that something between them was off? That he wasn't talking to him on purpose? He blamed himself for not being more direct but he didn't really know how he felt about Wooseok until the night at the club. He wasn't perfectly sure if even now he knew how he felt about Wooseok.

"So, you've been avoiding me?" Wooseok asked when Jinhyuk didn't say anything for a while. "Is it because of what happened last time?"

Jinhyuk didn't have to answer him. Wooseok could tell in the way his face shifted that he had hit the nail on the head with that question.

"Look, it doesn't have to change anything," Wooseok said.

Something snapped inside of Jinhyuk at that sentence. "That's exactly the problem, though."

"I don't understand."

"Of course you don't," Jinhyuk continued. "You don't understand because you don't care."

Wooseok blinked really fast a couple of times, then he got up on his feet to stand just a few steps apart from Jinhyuk. "I do care, Jinhyuk. I care about you."

"Ah really?" Jinhyuk snorted and shook his head. "Did you care about me when you ran here after stealing something the other day? Do you care when you don't show up or text or call at all for several days but then just appear at my doorstep with some stolen gift when you're bored? Did you care about me when you slept with me and then called me a huge mistake? Tell me, Wooseok, because I think you have a weird way of showing that you _care_."

It was the first time that Jinhyuk saw something falter within Wooseok. He looked distressed, nervous. Almost as if he was on some kind of drug but Jinhyuk knew that Wooseok didn't do that. At least. He tried to say something, his mouth opened and closed again but nothing came out. Wooseok exhaled.

"You're right," he eventually said. "I shouldn't have slept with you and done all those things, I-"

Jinhyuk couldn't help but laugh at that. It was a pained, breathy laugh. He had to look up at the ceiling and blink a few times in order to stop his tears from coming out in front of Wooseok.

"You know what?" He said when he thought his voice wouldn't be shaky. "I'm actually glad something like that happened between us. Really. It opened my eyes to how bad you are for me."

Wooseok looked at him with big eyes. He opened his mouth again but before he could say anything Jinhyuk continued. Too afraid to be interrupted now when he could finally tell Wooseok how he felt. "I was a fool for hoping you would just change one day. Like, I genuinely believed if we just hung out together, I could help you become a better person. You know, like do something worthwhile with your life. You have so much potential but I was wrong. You will never change. I see that now but I'm afraid without that hope, I don't want you in my life anymore."

Jinhyuk paused because he couldn't stop his tears from falling anymore. He was crying now and he took a moment to collect himself before he spoke again. "I love you. Fuck. I really love you, Wooseok, but I'll get over it. I will. I just can't get over it with you lounging on my sofa or camping in front of my apartment, you know. If you really care about me, even a little bit, please, leave and don't come here again. Okay?"

When he finished, Wooseok just stood there. There were so many instances in the past where Jinhyuk would've given anything to know what was going on in Wooseok's head. Right now was not one of them. He didn't want to know. He was too afraid of what he would find there. A part of him was holding onto a strange hope that Wooseok would apologise. A much smaller part was hoping to have his feelings returned.

But in reality, Wooseok just stood there. Clearly searching for the right words to say. Anything to say but he didn't. He took his jacket off the rack next to the door and left. Jinhyuk just stood there alone in his apartment crying again. He felt broken.

Despite getting what he wanted and ultimately, knowing it was the right thing to do, he felt like he'd just lost something. Something very important and valuable. There was nothing rational about loving someone like Wooseok. There was nothing rational about being heartbroken about the fact that the other didn't return his feelings, even though he knew that he never even had any. He knew he would get better with time. He knew he would move on eventually, but today, he would cry himself to sleep one more time.

* * *

Over the next couple of weeks turned months, Jinhyuk started moving on with his life. He would lie if he said he wasn't surprised that Wooseok really didn't come to his apartment anymore. He would also lie if he said that he liked it better that way. He didn't even receive calls or texts from him and he really did his best to ignore the sting it brought to his heart to know that it was just that easy for Wooseok to leave and forget about him.

He couldn't let that pull at him, though. Jinhyuk knew that ultimately his life would be much easier without Wooseok around. He still went to uni, worked at the cafe and minded his own business as the months passed. It was around four, maybe five months after he'd seen Wooseok for the last time that Seungwoo walked into the cafe he worked at.

He didn't even know that Jinhyuk worked there which turned out to be quite the surprise for both of them. Jinhyuk made a great effort to keep things civil but distant with Seungwoo. He didn't want to get close to him again. He didn't want to be invited to any more parties. He certainly didn't want Seungwoo or any people he associated with to become frequent customers at his cafe or in his life.

So, he did his best at small talk while he prepared Seungwoo's order. He asked him about life in general, the weather, the way he liked his coffee. Anything that could not provide Seungwoo with a reason to start a deeper conversation with him.

When Jinhyuk was almost done with his drink, however, Seungwoo turned the conversation to the one topic Jinhyuk really didn't want to touch upon. "By the way, did you talk to Wooseok lately?" The older man started. "I remember you two hit it off at my birthday party last year... I was just wondering if maybe you'd seen him lately."

Jinhyuk tried to look as little vulnerable as possible but his voice came out much more fragile than he liked. "Uh, no, that- that was nothing serious. Died down quickly."

Seungwoo offered him a small smile. "That's unfortunate," he added. "I was just wondering where he is and what he's up to..."

"Aren't the two of you friends?"

"Well, we know each other and obviously, I always knew what he was up to but lately he's been off the grid," Seungwoo explained. "It's been a while, you know. Maybe half a year, maybe a little less... in our business, that's usually not good news."

Jinhyuk couldn't help but worry when he handed Seungwoo the drink he ordered. He didn't know what to say because he really had no idea where Wooseok was and the fact that even Seungwoo lost touch with him didn't sound promising. "I hope you find him," he said earnestly.

"Oh," Seungwoo gave him another smile, he almost looked a little patronising. "I'm not really looking for him. I was just wondering... if he's out, he's out and if he's gone, I wouldn't be able to do anything about that either. Thanks for the coffee. See you around."

And just like that Seungwoo left. _If he's gone, I wouldn't be able to do anything about that either._ Seungwoo's words rang in Jinhyuk's head. He had managed not to think of Wooseok for such a long time but now once again, he was the only thing on his mind. If even Seungwoo couldn't tell if he was still out there or not, could it be that Wooseok was in danger or in prison or worse? Jinhyuk agonised over whether he should call Wooseok or not, just to check if he was still okay.

He spent his entire work shift weighing the pros and cons of calling the other. By the end of the day, he decided he would write him a message. He would just casually ask what Wooseok was up to and see if the other even answers. When he opened their chat window, however, he realised that he still had Wooseok blocked. He unblocked him the moment that realisation hit him and suddenly, his phone was flooded with texts.

In the time that he hadn't seen him, Jinhyuk had received more than 200 messages from Wooseok since the day he blocked his number. He didn't even have to ask him if he's still alive and well because some of the messages had been sent just the day before, one even just earlier that morning.

Jinhyuk read two or three of the texts because his eyes automatically started to go over them but he couldn't keep himself from tearing up very quickly. Parts of him just really didn't want to read all of the messages, so he put away his phone and cried about Wooseok once again. He cried over the fact that Wooseok still seemed to be holding onto him even though he couldn't reach him all this time. He'd written him every day since. He'd still respected his wishes and never showed up at his apartment, despite Jinhyuk ignoring all his texts.

All this time, Jinhyuk thought that Wooseok had moved on very quickly. That what they had - be it friendship or more or less - never meant that much to him. That it meant so little to him that he could just stop texting and calling him and coming over to his place altogether. But apparently, it was not like that at all. Wooseok had been writing him all the time. Jinhyuk just never got any messages.

He cried until he was completely exhausted. Then he took a shower and went to bed thinking about Wooseok and whether he wanted to answer any of his texts. He was awakened early in the morning by his phone buzzing a couple of times in a row. Before he could even register what it was, he took his phone and tried to turn off the alarm just to realise that it wasn't his alarm. It was messages coming in one after another. It was Wooseok.

_omg_

_it shows that my texts were read_

_you unblocked me!!_

_I don't know if this means anything but if it does and if you can, please, do you want to meet up one of these days?_

_let me know if that's okay with you or if you'd rather not_

_of course, I understand if you'd rather not..._

_I'd just love to see you again_

Before he even knew what he was doing, Jinhyuk told him to meet him at the cafe at 4.30 pm when his shift would end. He couldn't help but smile at the next row of messages he received. Wooseok seemed happy. Genuinely excited and joyful and Jinhyuk didn't know how to feel about that.

_thank you!!_

_thank you so much_

_it means a lot to me that you even consider talking to me again_

The first thing Jinhyuk noticed when Wooseok walked into the cafe at 4.25 pm that afternoon was the way his heart skipped a beat. The second thing he noticed was that Wooseok looked different. His clothes were different, more low-key and less flashy. He used to wear big coats and leather jackets, expensive accessories and branded clothes but now you couldn't tell. He was just wearing a plain shirt and jeans and he still looked good. He still looked better than any other person in that cafe but for some reason, he looked more like he fit in. He looked normal if that was a good word to describe it. Jinhyuk just didn't know what he was all about but he forgot to even wonder about it because Wooseok was flashing him a smile the moment he'd seen him.

"Hey," he said once he reached the counter where Jinhyuk was preparing a cappuccino for another customer.

"Hi," Jinhyuk offered with a smile. "Uh, I'll be done in 5 minutes... umm, do you want to order something and find a table, or...?"

"Yeah sure," Wooseok retorted looking a little shy if that was even possible. "Uh, I don't really know... just a latte, please?"

He didn't know why but it made Jinhyuk chuckle. "Sure."

Wooseok didn't go and find a table right away. Instead, he stood there watching Jinhyuk prepare drinks and they did a little small talk. Prior to meeting him, Jinhyuk had made a resolution to stay firm and not give in to any whims of Wooseok's. He didn't want to make things go back to how they were before. He was doing great without Wooseok. All he wanted was closure and to know that Wooseok was doing okay too.

"Seungwoo was here yesterday," Jinhyuk informed him when a somewhat longer silence settled between them. "He was wondering about you."

They were seated at a small table near the window now. Jinhyuk wanted to sit as far away from the counter where his co-workers were preparing drinks as possible. He didn't know where their conversation would go but he really didn't need his co-workers to find out about any funny business and associate him with it.

"Yeah, I don't do that anymore. He doesn't need to keep track of me," Wooseok simply stated while taking a sip from his latte and looking up at Jinhyuk again.

"Oh?" Jinhyuk retorted a little surprised. "Since when?"

Wooseok didn't answer right away. Instead, he looked at Jinhyuk for a little longer. It almost got a little uncomfortable to hold eye-contact with him. Jinhyuk didn't know what it meant or if he had asked a rude question. He started shifting in his seat and looking around the room which made Wooseok realise that he had been silent for too long.

"Well," he said in a very calm tone. "It's been 139 days since the last time I stole something."

"Oh wow," Jinhyuk didn't know if he was impressed because Wooseok had apparently not been stealing for almost 5 months or surprised because he knew the exact number of days that had passed since. "You counted the days?"

"I just remember them," Wooseok answered with a breathy laugh. "They were hard to ignore if I'm honest but not because I wasn't doing it anymore..."

"Why then?"

Wooseok smiled at him. He looked nervous almost as if he had to confess something. "Becuase of you."

"Me?" To say that he was a little confused would be a major understatement.

"Yes," Wooseok continued. "It's been 147 days since the last time I saw you. 139 days since the last time I stole because I knew that was one of the main reasons I lost you. It's been over 120 days since I even had a drink. I know that because that's when I got a job at my local post office and I bought a beer to celebrate but I never drank it. It was there in the fridge until the day I moved out... which was about 90 days ago. I found a new place. It's a tiny apartment, smaller even than yours-"

"Why are you telling me all of that?" Jinhyuk interrupted him. There was a whirlwind of emotions inside of him. He didn't know how he felt about all the things Wooseok said, he just wanted to make sure he wasn't being tricked.

"I don't know," Wooseok looked even more nervous now. "I guess, I just want you to know that I've changed, Jinhyuk. I'm changing every day. I'm trying to improve myself in any way I can, every day. I'm happy now," he chuckled. "I think for the first time in a long time, I'm genuinely content with my life situation. Even if it's all so simple and steady and something I would've thought was boring in the past. I'm happy."

"Uh, good," Jinhyuk's head was still on overload. His mind processing thoughts a mile a minute. "I'm glad."

"The day I lost you, I think I really hit rock bottom," Wooseok resumed his story. "I didn't realise how far off I was until you drew the line and showed me that none of what I was doing was okay. I didn't realise how much I actually cared for you until you didn't want me in your life anymore."

Jinhyuk gave him an apologetic smile but he didn't say anything. He wasn't sorry about cutting ties with Wooseok. He wasn't going to apologise for putting his own well-being first even if it really hurt at the time.

"I know there's a high probability that you're with someone right now and I'm sure they make you happier than I was ever able to but if there's any chance at anything for us, I just know that I have to try," Wooseok was now leaning over the table a little, his voice lowered in volume, his eyes piercing Jinhyuk's own. "I tried every day. Writing you. I just thought if ever the day comes where you'd want to talk to me again, I wanted to make sure that I was there to show you that I was waiting for you. That I've been thinking of you every single one of those 147 days. That I've missed you every single one of those days. I wanted you to know that I'm still out here, waiting, even if a chance for the two of us is practically non-existent. I still have to try, don't I? Love is a little insane like that."

"Love?"

"Yes, love. I'd been lost for so long... but it took losing you for me to realise how bad it actually was. It took losing what I loved the most for me to realise that it was you that I wanted. That being with you was what made me feel grounded and happy... but it shouldn't be like that. I should be able to be happy on my own, otherwise, I have nothing to give you. I don't deserve you if I have absolutely nothing to offer you back for all the happiness that you were for me. So, with every new decision that I made, I'd ask myself what would Jinhyuk want me to do and I'd know that it was the right decision. I'd know that it's the best for me because, despite everything I did to you, you always wanted the best for me."

"I couldn't force you to be with me. I couldn't force you to keep me around. To want me. I could only try to become a better person. Someone who was worthy of being with you and then hope for a miracle. Jinhyuk, I spent every day working towards becoming someone who could love you the way you deserve it. I've worked on that for the past 147 days and I've waited for you to give me a chance to talk to you again. I could've waited another 147 days easily, even more than that. I would have... and if after today, you don't want to see me again, I will wait for you even then because I can't do anything else. Because it's insane how much I love you, Jinhyuk."

Jinhyuk didn't even know how he kept himself from tearing up during Wooseok's entire speech. He didn't know what to tell him because he was still processing the information he got. Wooseok loved him. He turned his entire life around in order to be someone whom Jinhyuk would want in his life. Wooseok was happy with his new lifestyle. He looked happy. He looked clean and grounded and driven and Jinhyuk found himself more amazed at that than the fact that he actually returned his feelings.

"So," Jinhyuk started eloquently. "What now?"

Wooseok laughed at that. "I don't know about you but I think I might get an opportunity to be promoted soon and then I can start saving up some money."

"What for?" He was relieved that the conversation seemingly switched into more of small talk again.

"I just want to know that I could take care of myself and... of you if you, you know," Wooseok looked down on his coffee cup. He swirled it in his hand then took another sip.

"I can take care of myself," Jinhyuk stated and he didn't really know why he felt the need to put that out there with the amount of force that it came out with.

"I know," Wooseok chuckled. "I know that very well. I just wanted to make sure that I can too. I would like to have that kind of certainty, you know."

Jinhyuk couldn't look at him anymore. His mind was buzzing and he didn't know if he could trust any of it. He could tell that Wooseok wasn't lying about what he told him but could he trust him to not fall back into his old habits again?

Then again, Wooseok looked much happier than he had ever seen him right now. Jinhyuk felt that although he was the catalyst for all that change, it was something that Wooseok liked. It was a lifestyle that Wooseok enjoyed for himself. It gave him safety and grounded him. He probably never had a real job in his life before. Jinhyuk wondered what kind of emotions Wooseok must have lived with doing what he did for the past couple of years. He looked relieved in his current state of mind.

"So, what about now?" Jinhyuk asked after a couple of minutes of silence.

"Hm?" Wooseok wasn't following.

"Did you save up enough to be able to afford a burger?"

"What?" The smaller male laughed. "Of course, I can afford a burger."

"And I could eat a burger," Jinhyuk stated matter-of-factly. "So, why don't you ask me out for dinner?"

Wooseok's face lit up even though a sense of confusion settled on his forehead. "Now?"

"Do you have other plans?"

"No, I'm free today," Wooseok informed him. "I'm just- I didn't expect-"

Jinhyuk reached over the table to put his own hand on top of Wooseok's. He didn't really know where this was going. He didn't want to think it through any longer. If it went bad, he'd get over it. He'd managed without Wooseok, he would be able to do it again. But as he got up from the table, he had a weird feeling that everything would be okay. The way Wooseok's eyes sparkled as he looked up at him and stood up from his chair again, Jinhyuk somehow knew that it would be fine. They would be just fine.

"You know," Wooseok said with a shy smile. "I can afford a nice restaurant too."

"Good for you," Jinhyuk joked. "But I really want a burger now."

"Burger it is then," Wooseok laughed and Jinhyuk felt that, yes, they would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> kudos, comments and suggestions are always welcome!
> 
> ask me anything on my cc: https://curiouscat.me/wfwonhui


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